Wistful and Moody

Days like this are weird. I'm going along, happy and secure, knowing that God loves me and I have a good life. Then...WHAM! and not George Michael, either. Suddenly, I'm wistful and moody. I saw that on a TV program recently...I don't know what it was. But here I sit, wistful and moody.

I keep going back in my mind to when I was in high school...wishing I was still there and could make different choices. I hear a song on the radio and plummet into sadness, because it's a song from when I was in high school (and oddly, I couldn't wait to leave home after high school, because of a very unhealthy family situation or seven that unfurled during that time and previously). But now I want to go back. Why?

I remember looking at our driveway when I still lived at home. It was made of dirt and rock; nothing fancy. I looked at a particular rock and thought "I cannot wait to leave here. I've got to get out." I don't know what looking at the rock had to do with it. As I sit here writing this, the rock also had something to do with my dad's feet. Again, no clue as to why.

When I was in high school, I was very spiritual and felt close to God. I went to church camps anytime one was available, and talked to God. I looked for a vision of Him over the lake at campfire time. I never saw Him visually, but I felt Him leading me a lot of the time.

I don't think I could go back there, to the church camp I attended, without my heart tearing out of my chest. Thinking about the wonder of that place brings tears to my eyes now. I was always at peace there, never scared, never alone.

Now, much of the spirituality has gone. I left the church I was born into, in order to attend a Bible church, because I didn't feel I truly believed the doctrine my birth church followed. Friends at the new church prayed for me, had prayed for six years, it turned out. They wanted me to leave my original church. I did. I worship much more freely now, with hands raised while I sing in a choir. I love singing. I'm comfortable now, reaching my hands up to worship. The music this church uses is open and loving and freely given to God. But it feels like the inside of me has been torn out for years, since I left my church. I feel empty. I feel lonely a lot. At least I used to. I've started building up a wall in my heart, so I don't get too close to people, even my husband. I don't want to have anything more torn out of me. If I can just make it on my own, then when he (my husband) can't participate in family stuff, or has to work unexpectedly, or eventually runs off (hey, being married to a crazy lady can do that!), I won't be as hurt. I'll be ready for it; I won't have poured my heart into a relationship that will just let me down, and break that heart.

Things don't always work out tidily and get wrapped into neat, little packages. Relationships are always a lot of work, and sometimes, for all the work, you still end up dissatisfied sometimes. Or hurt, or empty. Sometimes it feels like your heart is gone.

Maybe I should write for the soap operas?