I'm sitting here watching Extreme Makeover, Home Edition. Tonight's episode is about a Marine who lost a leg in Iraq, then came home to a wife who got overwhelmed and left him. Left him to deal with 4 kids. On one leg.
I didn't get up until 11:00 this morning. I had a whole house to clean, but there I lay in bed. Couldn't get up to go to church, couldn't eat, nothing. Cried for a long time. I did manage to clean the dining room. and some of the kitchen. Looking at another week of stressed-out work got me down.
Then I see this guy raising four kids with one leg. Of course, he's getting a new house. But he's not whining, lying around feeling useless. I told my husband tonight that I sometimes wish I had lost a leg, rather than having depression. With a missing leg, people can tell what's wrong. There's actually something to be wrong, rather than this useless, bummed feeling. It just isn't me, when I feel like this. I mean, I don't feel like myself. I get to the point where I hate myself. I can't understand how someone so broken could be here. I know that sounds dramatic. I don't mean to, it's just the only way I can express what this is like.
I'm better now, not completely but getting there. Tomorrow I have blood drawn to check the levels of medication I'm on and make sure they're okay. They're also testing my thyroid yet again. To make sure it's okay and the meds I'm taking for that are correct.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better.
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1 comment:
everyone gets depressed and feels exactly the same. i doubt myself. i feel like i'm worthless. i wish i'd have something that would be cure-able.
it will pass. but let it take its course. this is a path that you're meant to follow to gain greater and deeper understanding of something. just don't rush it, let it take it's time.
it's okay to cry.
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